With This Wand

I'm not much of a fan of the elaborate wedding, just so you know. I don't object on any philosophical grounds, nor am I bitter from not having fulfilled any girlhood dream of being a princess for a day. True, I was not the sort of little girl who believed that being in a coma for a hundred years just to be awakened by the kiss of a handsome prince was much of a bargain, or that fitting my delicate foot into a glass slipper was the end all and be all to life. But that's not to say that I have any bias against marriage or the ceremony that precludes it. We are a hopeful species and we never know where happiness will be found.

No, my less than enthusiastic response to the heavily orchestrated wedding is more that it's just an event-planning nightmare. And, as a result, both the bride and groom often seem to feel a little disappointed in the end. There is so much build up, strategic maneuvering as complex as moving a convoy across hostile territory, so much diplomatic strategy needed to soothe all parties and bring about detente, that the actual extravaganza itself seems taut - like everyone concerned has just been smiling too long and too hard.

Most couples do not have prior experience in planning formal soirées, and the dream wedding requires attention to so many details and so much minutia, that things are bound to go wrong. The couple is, already, anxious. They are trying to absorb the enormity of making one of the biggest decisions of their lives at the same time they are paying out huge sums for catering, flowers, clothing, transportation, photographers, deposits, accommodations, travel, gifts, hairdressers, musicians, printing and officiates. If that all wasn't enough, they are often trying to keep the peace with a variety of family members who, in my vast experience as a bridesmaid, relish a wedding as the opportunity to interfere, control, open old family wounds and resurrect ancient family feuds.

It's so stressful that if even the smallest insignificant thing goes awry on the wedding day - the sugar roses on the cake are pink instead of the preferred yellow or the chicken at the rehearsal dinner is undercooked and the entire wedding party is stricken with salmonella poisoning, for example - the entire affair begins to teeter on the brink of collapse. The bride retreats with her first margarita and her maids by ten in the morning just to steady herself, while the groom is behind the church throwing back a hair-of the-dog with his lads. Thereafter, she begins the short slide into a tequila headache before the polish on her toenails is even dry, he starts sweating underneath his cummerbund and a wisp of melancholy creeps in to taint what should have been a day devoted to unfettered happiness.

Personally, I think couples forget that weddings are supposed to be a celebration. If you were asking for my advice, I would tell you to put on something you like that doesn't cost as much as a down payment on a house, order up some normal food (I'm thinking chili), let your friends wear what they want, hire the best band you can afford, and, most importantly, don't invite anyone whose company you don't enjoy enough to invite to any other party, including and especially, your relatives.

Still, I'm not one to deny anyone's dream. I have tottered down the aisle as a willing bridesmaid in satin high-heel sling backs and a filmy gown several times and will do so again if I am called. If you ask me to attend you, I am likely to accept the honor. I do wish, though, that we could get out of the rut. Formal weddings may be a very special occasion for the bride and groom, but for those of us who are practically professional wedding party members, it's become a bit stale in its predictability.

When we get the phone call that announces that you are getting married and have set a date, when we agree to be your maid or your man, we already know the drill. The men expect to rent matching formal wear, and throw some kind of a stag affair. They anticipate receiving a stainless engraved flask and offering a toast at the reception. The women foresee an arduous process by which the bride either chooses the dresses that will never work for a group of females of different sizes, ages and complexions. Or, in a misguided attempt at delegating, she will allow the maids to come to some sort of consensus among themselves. (Although, the latter doesn't work much better - a mature friend of mine found herself wearing a cropped top and a belly chain in one wedding when the much younger three college-aged maids, future stepdaughters of the bride-to-be, formed the power bloc.).

We can, likewise, predict the ceremony, the tossing of the bouquet and garter, the order of service, the progression of dances from sedate waltz to full-tilt-boogie to just stumbling around dancing with yourself, the chicken-cheaper-than-prime-rib buffet, the rigid photography set ups, the flower girl melt-down, the ever-so-sentimental cutting of the Italian cream cake with bride-and-groom topper and the German chocolate groom's cake. Unless someone's inebriated uncle starts throwing chairs, or a napkin falls into a candle and sets the table on fire, your special day, from start to finish, is indistinguishable from the approximately 1.80 to 1.92 million of its kind that takes place in America every year.

And that's alright. It's your dream. The two of you will look very handsome in the photographs. No one wants to stomp on your heart's desire.

But, if I may? Perhaps you would consider expanding your dream to give your wedding party and guests a fresh experience. With just a little vision, and not necessarily more expense, you can throw a sensational wedding that will keep 'em talking until your silver anniversary bash. Plenty of people, of course, have married while scuba diving or sky diving, but that's not quite what I mean. I'm talking about taking the traditional wedding plan and giving it some zazz - using the familiar structure, but introducing elements that will keep your guests attentive and willing to stay to the end just to see if there are any more surprises ahead.

I could make something up to illustrate my point, but someone has blazed the trail ahead of me. While purging my files recently of obsolete insurance policies, owner's manuals to things I don't own any more and mementos from events I can't remember, I ran across a wedding announcement that I clipped over twenty years ago. I found that it delights me still. Other than just changing the names to protect the identity of this crazy-couple-in-love and their wedding party, the announcement copied here is as originally written.

" Miss Violetta Pettifog and Mr. Byron St. Marmot were united in marriage on Saturday, October 30th, 1988 at twilight on the grounds of Green Pastures in Austin, Texas. The Reverend Bernard Bottom performed the ceremony.

The bride, a native Austinite, is the daughter of Dr. Ambrose Pettifog III and Fiona Pettifog, both of Austin. The groom is the son of Maynard St. Marmot and the late Juanita Montemoyer St. Marmot.

The bride wore a custom made gown created by designer Lulu Oogleberry of Austin, Texas. Golden butterflies and silken roses adorned ivory velvet. The bridesmaids adorned themselves as fairies and carried magic wands designed by sculptor Lance LeBlanc, of Austin, Texas. The bride's matron fairy was the honored Lilly. The remaining magical fairies were Primrose, Pansy, Buttercup, Poppy, Tulip, Fern, Iris, Lupine and Snapdragon. All were resplendent to match the physical and metaphysical characteristics of each and iridescent wings were designed by Starr Fairy.

The lovely angels, Miss Zooey Periwinkle and Miss Clementine Faun, showered guests with rose petals.

The groom was dashing in stainless steel plate mail crafted by blacksmith, Hart Buck of San Diego, California. The groom's best man was his brother, Lord Ruffin St. Marmot. The other Lords attending were Ludvic, Augustus, Bonaparte, Ivan, Khan, Romeo, Artemis, Thor and Nero. The Lords wore stainless steel breastplates hand crafted in India and carried etched swords from Toledo, Spain.

The wedding cake was topped by caricature figurines of the bride and groom designed by sculptor Ram Ramsey of Austin, Texas. The costumes for the bridesmaids and groomsmen were designed by Gray Wolf and Sabrina Corderra.

The couple will be honeymooning in the Bahamas, and will reside in Austin, Texas with dog Shalom, and three cats, Max, Godzilla and Scratchy.

'Love looks not with eyes but with the mind. And, therefore, is wing'd cupid painted blind.' - Shakespeare "

That's what I'm talkin' about. A wedding like that would keep me at the edge of my pew waiting to see if a unicorn or a griffin was going to be coming down the aisle next bearing the bejeweled wedding crowns.

Now, some would say that this sort of stage production is just making theater out of what is intended to be a sacred occasion. I disagree. Firstly, what has evolved into the modern wedding is already pure pretend. I mean, who believes any bride who shows up wearing a white gown and a veil, particularly if her teenage daughter is her maid of honor? In what normal reality can you get several men to agree to wear identical outfits with bow ties and dance to "Brandy" at the reception?

That's acting!

The bride, groom and supporting actors have cast themselves in an amateur performance of a well-known play and the audience is there by invitation. There are costumes, a stage and a script, the actors have memorized lines, there is rising and falling action, tension, comedy, a dénouement and, in some weddings, there is often an antagonist that shows up at the reception in the role of the bride's unmedicated mother or the lecherous best man. At really great weddings, a deus ex machina in the form of a spurned lover or an ex-fiancé makes a surprise entrance to save the bride or groom from making the worst mistake of their lives.

Secondly, a wedding has very little to do with a marriage. It's the commitment that you make to each other in front of witnesses, and the celebration that follows. It is the prelude to a life together that will, naturally, see boring and repetitive days. It needs to be infused with all of the non-ordinary memories possible so that the couple can look back and remember what anticipatory excitement looked and felt like. I fear that the traditional wedding has become such an exhausting, expensive and tedious ritual that most couples remember the tension and the flaws rather than the great party and wonderfully quirky magic that happens when you stop trying so hard to live an old dream and allow life to give you new dreams.

Sadly, I wasn't at the Pettifog-St. Marmot nuptials. I wasn't there to see if Violetta and Byron turned to one another, exchanged mystical objects and said, "With this wand, I thee wed." I didn't hear if the good reverend said, "By the power invested in me by the Queen of the Fairies, and the State of Texas, I pronounce you Lady and Lord."

But I'm putting it out there to you. I'll wear a set of wings and kick off my sling backs to skip through the dew, if you ask me.

Note: Fun facts and figures about weddings in the United States: weddings are a 25.3 billion dollar per year industry; the average number of guests is 186 and costs between $18K and $25K; about 80% of the approximate 2.45 million weddings held annually are formal.

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Ingrid lives on San Juan Island.

While Ingrid is spiritually promiscuous, she credits her guru, Jimmy Buffet, for her mantra..."If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." Besides a passion for Tiki Studies, Ingrid is borderline biblio-obsessive. She is an old-school Libran - i.e., she won't be leading the Revolution, but she'll work to make it an attractive affair and hire the musicians and caterers."

Her column appears every other Thursday in San Juan Islander. To contact Ingrid, send emails to ingrid@sanjuanislander.com

editor@sanjuanislander.com

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