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The Wayback when …
posted 06/16/01
Economy airfares, mini-vans, SUVs and smaller families are threatening an American tradition. Add gas prices climbing to Mount Rainier heights and this custom might soon roll to the wayside like an errant hubcap.
Crossing the country with the family and a few pets in a full-size station wagon -- a Chevy Impala, Ford LTD, AMC Matador, Dodge Polara -- bulging to the dome light is in serious jeopardy. A whole generation will not experience the camaraderie and intimacy of cramped traveling with kin. Most of today’s children won’t be able to commiserate with siblings about:
- Listening to AM Radio. The budget family wagons were not equipped with a TV/DVD player that pops down from the roof. The stock AM radio provided the musical entertainment. OK, entertainment if you were an adult. Neil Sedaka or Tammy Wynette seemed more like Uneasy Listening or Corny Western and controlled by parents. At rest stops a child would attempt to switch the station to a rock ’n’ roll station (KJR in Western Washington, WLS in the middle Midwest and even Pennsylvania under the right conditions). Of course this reprieve only lasted until the increasingly grumpy chauffeur leveled off the wood-like sided wagon at cruising speed.
- Reposing in Air Conditioning. Sure it doesn’t seem a luxury while driving across the balmy San Juan Islands, but it’s an opulence when you’re idling in 100-degree heat on Highway 101 in the heart of Los Angeles. (Oops: The center of L.A.). And you can’t move because if you do the skin on the back of your thighs, which seems Super-Glued to the seat, might rip off. Not to mention your younger sister and brother are crying that they want to go back to Disneyland to see Mickey.
- Being Stuck in the Middle. This position went to the sibling slowest on the draw, the one who didn’t scream "SHOTGUN" as quick as a Vette. Relaxing in the middle was as likely as a quiet KOA. The middle passenger’s ribs would often become as tender as a Twinkie left on the dashboard: The siblings to the left and right would jab their elbows into the center rider’s mid-section. Sitting in the middle of the middle seat was also hard on the bum: With every bump, the thin cushion over the transmission hump would compress some ???.
- Sitting in The Way Back. This section of the Ford Galaxie 500 and other pickup-length station wagons was the equivalent of economy class on a discount airline. Usually the youngest children were assigned this seat, which set nearly on the roadbed and often faced to the rear. Thus, as some one in the front seats exclaimed, "Wow, look at that," the riders in the Wayback twisted and just missed seeing a life-size fiberglass dinosaur in front of a Sinclair gas station. In some models the pavement could be seen as a gray blur through the rust holes. Parents also put the pooch in the car’s poop deck to provide comfort to the Woeful Waybackers.
Yes, children of the new millennium won’t know what they’ll be missing as they glide over interstates in a fully climate-controlled sports-utility vehicle with copious cupholders and ample views. Today’s youngsters can still enjoy a family road trip though. They can achieve a traditional auto adventure by:
- Playing Slug Bug. Thanks to Volkswagen and its revamped Beetle, siblings can once again smack each other on the upper arm until their biceps become black and blue. This game gives a sister or brother license to whap their siblings in the name of fun.
- Bringing Only One CD or Video. Listening to Arthur, Barney, the Backstreet Boys or some other odd-looking creatures on short trips across the island can be tolerated, but Mom and Dad might be less accommodating on a 50-hour drive. They should guard the tape or CD at rest stops or it might be accidentally tossed with the junk food wrappers.
- Cruising with a Car-sickly Cousin. This will be the relative who pleaded to come along until he or she was as blue as the washer fluid. His or her parents assured their would be no problems but the Dramamine will wear off, usually right after the evening meal at Big Bob’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.
- Permanently Setting a Game Boy’s Volume on High. Thus, every beep and blast will be heard as the child slays dragons, raids tombs or bombs aliens. Of course, Mom and Dad might do some beeping and blasting of their own.
And remember, no matter how much they improve family vehicles, you can fall back on the STANDARD. That persistent noise possible in any family vehicle as it traverses the country. An age-old whine, not from the engine compartment, but the passenger cabin.
"Are we there YET."
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