COLUMN BY MATT PRANGER

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Grilling need not be an Ugg-ly task

posted 06/29/01
Thousands of years ago lightning zapped a tree, sending a fireball up its branches. A flash-cooked pre-historic pigeon dropped to the feet of a man, who had been futilely throwing rocks at the bird. After burning his hairy fingers on the smoldering feathers, the man, Ugg, for our purposes, sniffed the charred flesh. He wrinkled his nose. Then Ugg's stomach gurgled. He tore a chunk of meat from the bird's chest, chewed, swallowed and said: "Mmnnnn." And of course, in 2nd Millennium English, that means: "Pretty tasty, but it needs something, maybe a hickory-smoke barbecue sauce."

Ugg offered part of the bird to his wife, Eeg. After a nibble, Eeg, clearly with the genes of a future English chef forming in her, spat out the meat and shrieked: "Blecchh." And all of us males know that translates: "This is raw."

Since Ugg’s crispy discovery, man has been attempting to perfect cooking meat over an open flame. (I say "man" because most females are too smart to singe their eyebrows and fill their lungs with smoke.) Great advances were made in outdoor cooking during the past 10,000 years, including:

• Removing the feathers, hair and innards improves the taste to the point that ketchup often isn’t necessary.
  
  
• Using coals instead of searing flames allows the meat to roast more thoroughly. And that means less heat from Eeg’s daughters.
  
  
• Placing the meat on metal grates or grills beats having to hold a stick with a steak on the end of it. Before this advancement, the steak would invariably fall into fire the moment one of Ugg’s sons would consider it finished. Grills free up the stick for other tasks, including swatting animals (usually teen-age boys or pterodactyl-size flies as they try to snag a taste).
  
  
• Cooking on easy-starting, evenly-heating gas grills with built-in thermometers, warming racks, side burners and even utensil hooks. These have kept many an Eeg and Ugg together. Since propane-fueled grills start with the push of a button, there are less flare-ups -- often covered by the fire engines sirens -- about over-zealous lighting fluid use.

Yes, the Uggs of today -- who modestly refer to themselves as Grillmasters -- are conquering outdoor cooking. But in spite of these charbroiling advances, they still hear their Eegs spit out: "Blecchh."

Now Uggs need not think they will be always preparing three-beer meals -- one brew to moisten the throat, one to soften the leathery flesh and another to wash it down). When grill-ables are chestnutty brown on the outside but cherry red in the center, Go Nuclear: Pop the chop, steak or burger in the microwave. Use one of the few beneficial fallouts from the harnessing of nuclear energy. Today’s Eegs, who are served meat nuked an extra minute or two, will grunt: "Mmmmmm." And that translates: "Tasty eats."

Grilling wasn’t just a pleasure in the steamy Midwest summers, it was a must. Only commercial bakers or lunatics would turn on an oven in 180 weather -- 90 degrees Fahrenheit plus 90 percent humidity.

Fortunately for my taste buds (unfortunately for my waistline) my father, the Growler, grilled a tasty "hang-a-burger." Except for Ma’s preferred hockey puck, the Growler’s burgers oozed clear juice and were a rosy pink in the center. He sprinkled Worchestershire sauce on them as they cooked and deftly extinguished flare-ups by sprinkling water on the burning grease. While grilling two batches for eight mouths, the Growler would toast buns.

As ears of sweet corn boiled on the stove, Ma would put a pair of yellow, corn-shaped holders at each place setting.

The stifling stickiness of Eastern Iowa in July seemed to subside as we savored the simple meal.

My current San Juan Island home bakes on sunny afternoons and evenings, making oven cooking uncomfortable. Since I’m the primary cook and would rather not roast, I often grill on the back deck.

With the concerns of e. coli and other bacteria, I prefer sufficiently cooked burgers but I still like some juice in them. I also enjoy sweet corn tender and succulent. Below are my versions of my parents’ summer standbys.

Growler Burgers

2 pounds extra-lean hamburger
3 ounces Worchestershire Sauce
1 tablespoon coarse ground pepper
8 thick slices of cheddar cheese
8 hamburger buns

Start enough charcoal for one layer on half of grill. Form hamburger into one-quarter or one-third pound patties. After ash forms on coals, place patties on grill. Dribble Worchestershire Sauce on burgers before peppering them. Sprinkle grease flare-ups with water. If flames are scorching burgers, move to unheated section of grill. When underside is dark brown -- not charred -- flip and repeat peppering and saucing. Toast buns while burgers grill. After both sides of burgers are cooked, place on microwavable plate. Check doneness. Microwave accordingly, adding cheese before final 35 seconds.

Sweetest Roasted Corn

12-16 ears in-husk sweet corn
     (Look for tender, more white than yellow kernels.)
1 pound of cubed ice
1 cooler

Do not remove the corn's husk. A couple hours before grilling time, place the corn in cooler. Add ice and enough water to cover corn. Load a grill, preferably a kettle type, with enough charcoal for two layers of coals. After coals ash over, shake excess water from corn ears and then place them on grill. Cover. As husks become dark brown, turn ears with tongs. If silks catch fire, remove before placing on grill.

Serve steamed corn in husk. Peel husk back and use as a handle. Butter, salt, pepper to taste.

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