Give thanks for digital thermometers

COLUMN BY MATT PRANGER

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Give thanks for digital thermometers

Previously I've explained the importance of tasty gravy, how it can overcome a Thanksgiving dinner calamity -- kindling-dry turkey, bland-as-white-bread stuffing, mushy mashed potatoes, yucky yams, not-so-creamy corn. Yes, good gravy can save most any Thanksgiving dinner debacle, but it can't prevent one condition: Undercooked bird and stuffing.

Nothing spoils a Thanksgiving feast faster than a heaping helping of food poisoning. Viewing the toilet bowl up close instead of watching pre-bowl games is no holiday.

Preventing salmonellosis at home is not that difficult. You can monitor how the turkey is defrosted and cleaned, what temperature the bird is roasted, how long it's cooked and what temperature its meat reaches. And you can ensure that the two inflexible rules:

Always remove the innards;
Never trust the pop-up timer.

Guarding against food poisoning while eating at relatives' or friends' homes is much more difficult. You can't say to your cooking cousin: " I remember when you tried to feed me mud pies filled with real dirt. I still don't trust you as far as I can fling you." And you can't tell your mother-in-law: "You can't even reset your microwave clock. How could you set an oven timer correctly? Besides, you still think your daughter should've married that doctor."

Save yourself a visit in the local emergency room with that former beau of your wife's by keeping such thoughts to yourself. Checking a turkey while at another person's home takes plenty of tact but can be accomplished. First, buy a digital meat thermometer small enough to fit in a sport jacket pocket. (Wearing a blazer also will score points with your wife.) Next create a diversion that will give you several seconds to insert the probe.

Here are some potential ploys:

After the turkey is out of the oven, sidle up to it, saying, "Mmmm, Mmmm. That appetizing aroma brings back childhood memories. Everybody, close your eyes and cover them with their hands. Now, for one minute, try to remember your favorite Thanksgiving as a child." Quickly check the turkey and stuffing before the memories started pouring forth thicker than gravy and sweeter than Ma Pranger's whipped cream.
Exclaim: "Wow, look at those wild turkeys. They're were two toms strutting all puffed up. They just went behind the wood shed." (Note: Don't attempt this if you're eating in a 20th-floor condo in Bellevue.)
Casually say, "Is that a hairy rat in the corner." If anyone remains in the kitchen, suggest they leave the room and place a rug against the kitchen door so the rodent can't escape into the dining room while you try to catch it. After obtaining the temperature reading, tell your hosts: "Ha, that gag fools people every time."

If your thermometer recon mission fails, load up your plate, wait until everyone else starts eating and trigger your pager. Excuse yourself from the table for about 10 minutes to use the phone. Apologize when you return, take your plate to the microwave and zap your meat until it's nearly jerky.

If all else fails, and you still question whether it's safe to chow down, pass on the stuffing, gravy and turkey. When asked why you're not eating the Thanksgiving staples, explain, "Oh, didn't I tell you, I became a vegetarian last week." (Now would be a good time to protect your own flesh against wifely shin kicks or elbows to the ribs.) Also, stick to your story and remember to skip the mincemeat pie. (Yes, they call it minceMEAT for a reason.)

Since I don't receive as many Thanksgiving Dinner invites as in the past, I'm thankful for new relatives. This year I need not worry about food poisoning. Not because my lovely wife, who has not fed me foul poultry yet, isn't cooking: My oldest stepdaughter -- a culinary connoisseur -- is fixing this year's T-D feast.

Happy Gobbling.

Go Vikings

Pack up some turkey sandwiches and head to the Tacoma Dome Saturday for the Orcas-Tacoma Baptist Class A State Football Semifinal. The Vikings and the Crusaders sport explosive offenses, so the state-championship qualifier will be worth the trip. Kickoff is scheduled for 4 p.m.

Zamboni Zerby wins golden duty

San Juan County Undersheriff Jon Zerby recently learned his assignment for the 2002 Winter Olympic Games in Salt Lake City: He'll be guarding the ice skaters.

Zerby, a figure skating fan, was smiling as bright as a gold-medal winner after hearing the news earlier this week.

news @sanjuanislander.com

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