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Pranger's promises and prognostications
Good riddance to 2001. A hearty welcome to 2002.
Leaving last year and all its heartache will be easy. Setting goals for the New Year isn't so easy, though. So, in hopes of not repeating history, I'm reviewing my 2001 resolutions.
Last year I resolved to show more resolve and vowed to keep positive resolutions. Here's a sampling of the old resolutions and their 2001 replacements:
- I will eat less red meat. I will eat more fresh fish -- not the battered and deep-fried variety.
- I will not eat candy. I will eat more fruit.
- I will not eat ice cream. I will eat yogurt.
- I will not swear. I will exclaim creative expletive substitutes.
- I will watch less brain-pudding-making television. I will read more National Lampoon magazines.
- I will not be a couch potato. I will let my dog pull me up Mount Young.
- I will, when asked "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" stop responding: "Two too many." I will compliment the two spoiled brats more often.
- I will not make fun of others. I will be more of a conversation bore.
I can honestly say that I tried not so diligently and failed miserably at all but three of my 2001 resolutions: I consumed more fresh salmon, slurped more yogurt and bored others more than before. I'm going to strive to continue working on my three successes and the others, but I also make some more resolutions. This time I'll make my goals more attainable.
So, in 2002, I vow to:
- Convince the state to slash ferry rates while increasing service to the islands.
- Perform a special rain dance that makes precipitation fall only between 2 and 5 a.m.
- Rid the islands of crows and raccoons that break into innocent, unsuspecting garbage bags. (The non-delinquent vermin will be allowed to remain in the islands.)
- Place public restrooms and free telephones on every corner.
- Persuade the weather gods to limit the cloudy days to 3 per month in the wintertime.
- Psychically force all boaters to respect the orcas' space so the whales can swim unimpeded in the San Juan Archipelago.
- Encourage salmon and other marine creatures to return in numbers greater than the days before white pioneers settled in the Northwest.
- Cheer until all the Friday Harbor, Orcas Island and Lopez Island sports teams win state championships.
- Mediate land-use disputes to the satisfaction of all islanders.
- Educate tourists so not a one asks, "How much is a return ticket to Anacortes," or "Do the ferries run on tracks?"
- Protect all island computers from viruses. Shoot, I'll also protect islanders from cold and flu bugs.
I even have a few regional goals for 2002. OK, these aren't so much fantastic resolutions, but some personal prognostications.
I predict:
- The Green Bay Packers will edge the Seattle Seahawks in double overtime for their fourth Super Bowl victory.
- The University of Iowa men's and women's basketball teams will win national championships.
- The Seattle Mariners will trim the St. Louis Cardinals in extra innings for their first World Series victory.
- The drivers on I-5 will never experience gridlock again.
- The New York Times will offer this writer a $1,000,000 annual contract to syndicate his ramblings.
Unfortunately, my memory isn't as sharp as it once was -- just ask my wife. So, if you ask me how I'm doing on my resolutions, don't be surprised if I appear to contemplate, and respond with all the astuteness of a geoduck.
Anyway, I wish everyone much more happiness in 2002 than 2001.
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