The Best Burger In The Known Universe

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you may be swept off to."
Bilbo Baggins

The Best Burger In The Known Universe

posted 06/10/03
My Grandmother always used to say that "idle hands are the tools of the devil!" so when I travel, I have to have a mission. Some folks like to have a destination or resort that they want to see; others have a craft that they want to indulge so they take classes in exotic locations. Me, I keep my travel priorities simple. When I ride, I'm simply looking for the best hamburger in the known universe. I've been doing this for years and it always gives me a mission, a culinary quest that fits my limited budgets.

I avoid the chains because I feel that good food is an art and if there's more than one outlet its not art but more like the sale of "original oils" in the gas station parking lots. I won't pass one up if I'm really hungry. A "2-bun" rating (out of five) at Mickey D's is better than going hungry. After all, even gas station art has its appeal. I still rue the day I passed up the black velvet painting of Jesus welcoming Elvis into heaven. A collectors item for sure. It would have looked good in the community theater as a donation too.

The restaurants I really like to sample are the small Mom and Pops in the little towns I ride through. Years ago I found my first 5-bun 30 miles north of Sun Valley on a dirt road to a place called Copper Basin. It was a ranch house and the woman who lived there served meals for the company as much as the money. The burgers were made from her own free-range cattle on homemade sourdough buns and all the condiments were homemade too. They were to die for and have been my benchmark ever since. I believe the whole meal cost $1.25!

I've found a few others that were close. The Dysfunction Junction in Dorris California and Friday Harbor's own Hungry Clam are 4.5's but the perfect 5 has eluded me for over 35 years… until last spring. I found another 5-bun restaurant. I kept it quiet because it was new and I wanted to sneak up on it again to see if it survived the winter and if the burgers were still as good. It did and they are!

No big sign so look carefully for the Cafe

I suppose the first thing to do first is to describe some of the signs I look for in my search. #1 is the "no chains" rule. Sorry, I want the original and what made it good, not a copy franchised out across the country.

#2 is "Small". Big places aren't as good. Too many variables and too many cooks.

#3 is the old-fashioned green milkshake machine with the metal containers. That and a freezer full of real ice cream.

#4 is a location in a small town or in the country. I suppose there are great places in big cities but I've never found a great burger joint in one. I'm also not a motorcycle in the city type of guy. When I get on the bike, the urban slabs are not my destination.

I discovered my latest find last year as I was returning from a sporting event in eastern Washington with a van full of hungry teens. We were on Hwy 2, the scenic route from Spokane. Whadda ya expect with an Old Squid at the wheel? Freeways bore me. We had driven over on I-90 and it was so boring that I had to stop and take a nap outside of Moses Lake to avoid being asleep at the wheel! It was a bit confusing to the kids but it worked for me.

The kids were getting hungry and suggested Burger King in Leavenworth. I vetoed that both because of my dislike for chains and also my dislike for Leavenworth. Towns that make a conscious decision to dress up and sell themselves are committing an act of prostitution and I don't want to support them. I told the kids that I would look for a Mom and Pop spot. This was greeted by groans of uncertainty! I patiently explained, "sure, you can get a bad one but you also have a chance of getting a great one!" What are the chances of that happening at BK or Mickey D's? Besides, I had the wheel in my hands so they were stuck with my decision.

Jayme with my chocolate malt

I spotted the "Take A Break Café" as we pulled into the Dryden intersection about 5 miles east of Leavenworth. Lots of cars outside a very small place so that was promising. Inside I saw "The Milkshake Machine" so that was another good sign. I ordered the bacon and mushroom burger and the teenage boys were a little more interested when they discovered something called the "Double". The only staff was the owner, Jackie, and her daughter Jayme. They were pleasant but busy as they rushed to fill orders. The kids worked on their real milkshakes and waited a little more patiently for the burgers.

I knew it was a hit even before I bit in as I heard one of the boys at the next table exclaim, "Wow, this is really good!" Normally teenage boys only grunt at each other and unless being graded, would never use a fully articulated sentence. My first bite confirmed that I had finally found another 5-bun restaurant. I've been back twice now and every time is consistent with the first burger so I'll let the secret out now and urge any other fans of small good places to go there. Heck, make it a destination in its own right. If you approach from the west, go through Leavenworth (Do not stop!) and at the Dryden intersection light, turn left and turn immediately to the left again. The Café in small and east to overlook but once you try it you'll be glad you stopped. If you have favorite places of your own, e-mail them to me care of the oldsquid@sanjuanislander.com and I'll publish a list later in the summer.

- The Old Squid

news @sanjuanislander.com

ABOUT US | ADVERTISING INFO | CONTACT INFORMATION |