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"Road Trips" by The Old Squid
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the
Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you may be
swept off to."
Bilbo Baggins
E-Cards from the Edge #3
Why There Are No Flamingos In Florida
posted 06/16/05
There are certain animals that become attractions just by their very existence. The Orca in Puget Sound is a good example. The alligators and flamingos of Florida are others. On this trip we'd seen lots of gators and even three American crocodiles!
The crocs were sunning themselves in the marina at the Flamingo resort. One, mistaking my white legs for large catfish bellies, swam over to investigate while I sat on the edge of the dock. Since feeding the wildlife was illegal, I pulled my legs up and watched as " he" came right up to the dock and raised his head to look us over.
I put the gender in quotes because there are only two ways to tell the sex of a gator or croc. One is too see them laying eggs. The other method involves reaching up inside the gator to determine its sex. I will leave gender determination in large reptiles to those short-lived professionals who choose that suicidal trade!
Male or female? Go ahead, make this croc's day!
On this trip and a previous trip however, flamingos have eluded us. We saw none in Key West and none in the Everglades at the town of Flamingo. My Fearless Wife has a passion for all things pink, so we keep looking.
Finally, the real reason for their scarcity was revealed in an ally in Miami where I came across my first flamingo. At least I thought I did until the bird undid some snaps and took off the head of what turned out to be a very well made costume. As the head came off I realized that I was looking at one of the Key West chickens!
These are actually Key West chickens in Flamingo costumes!
" Hey buddy" said the bird, " you're not supposed to be back here!"
" I was looking for a flamingo." I said.
" Yeah, well, they'll fire my tail feathers if they catch me talking to you back here."
I decided to keep my identity as a columnist for this website quiet while I tried to pry information from the chicken.
" Hey, I'll sneak back out and I won't say a word if you'll only answer a few questions for me."
" OK, but make it quick. I got a short break between shows here." With that, the chicken hopped up on a dumpster and lit up a cigarette.
" So what's with the costume?" I asked. " Why not hire a real flamingo?" The chicken cocked his head and with smoke trailing out of his beak he cackled a laugh at me.
" Buddy, you ever see a 'real flamingo'?" I shook my head negatively. " Just as I thought. Let me ask you another question then. You ever see a jackalope?"
Of course I had. Every bar in the west has a stuffed jackalope made by mounting antelope horns on a jackrabbit. They are one of those enduring folk jokes that Westerners like to play on Easterners. The Northwest has Bigfoot. Apparently, Florida has the flamingo.
The chicken went on to explain that the first reference to flamingos was in Lewis Carol's " Alice in Wonderland." Reverend Dodson (Lewis Carol's real name) was stuck babysitting young neighbor Alice Pleasance and desperate for a creature to entertain her, he made up the flamingo and put it in a story. It was vaguely described and not well known until the popular Disney cartoon of Alice was produced. After that, the legend took off and Florida was the first state to hop on the bandwagon and claim to be the home of the flamingo. As time went by, more and more tourists demanded to see the real flamingo. And, in a partnership with Disney, the costume that I was looking at was developed. In return, a grateful state gave Disney a large reservation in the center of the state " for as long as the wind shall blow and the tourists spend dough."
I commented that the long legs looked especially hard to use. The chicken stubbed out his cigarette and said, " Yeah, the stilts are a bitch. A lot of my buddies washed out of flamingo school because they couldn't stand up. Hey, it's been good talking with ya but I gotta get back to the show now."
He picked up the head and long neck and I shouted one last question at him as he walked away. " That suit has to be awfully hot in this weather. Don't you sometimes wish that Maine had jumped in first as the real home of the flamingo?"
He settled the costume on and was transformed into a tall pink flamingo. With a shake of his feathers he said, " Yeah but it sure beats the alternative" and started to walk away.
" What would that be?" I asked of the retreating bird.
He paused at the stage door and the long neck turned so that the false head looked at me with its lifelike eyes.
" KFC " he said. And the door closed.
- The Old Squid
The Old Squid's email address is: oldsquid@sanjuanislander.com
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